I am most likely going to be ignored by the people im with but we'll see.
I have dignosed myself depressed. I got into a huge fight with my mom last night, cried until I through up and went to bed at 9 with a throbbing headache. I never want to get ready and put myself together anymore. My hair has been worn in a pony tail the past week, which I never do. I don't do my makeup anymore. The only time I leave my house is when I have school/tennis or I go to the store. I am rarely invited to do things but whenever I say that it gets turned on me like its my fault somehow. Stupid.
I am being virtually harassed through formspring about how ugly I am, why I'm not friend with the people I used to be friends with, my family. I am being told to "put down food and pick up zit cream" That one hurt me because I have been on accutane for a month now and thought my face has cleared up amazingly, guess not in other peoples eyes though. I normally can blow off when someone critizes me, but lately it's just dragging me down and killing me.
My jealousy has hit its peak. I am a jealous person normally, which I do hate. Lately I feel like I'm not good enough. No matter who I have ever hung with in my entire life, I was always second best compared to my girlfriends I was with. My guy friends would show more attention to my girl friends, talk to them while I sat quietly and stopped attempting conversation with them because it failed everytime. I know I'm not ugly, and I know my personality is starky, but I don't understand why I'm ALWAYS second best. I'm thinking about just giving up in general. I will just be seen, not heard...because thats all I am ever anyways.
My body has been killing me lately. I have done nothing but gain weight, and I don't even eat that much. I quit soccer going into 8th grade and since then I have gained weight little by little. I have stretch marks on my thighs and hips, I have big love handles, and my stomach is now starting to grow. I workout and I play tennis but nothing is helping. I know I don't eat the best of foods sometimes but it's not like all I do is sit and eat potato chips all the time. In 7th grade I was a size 2 in pants, I am now a size 5 and still need a bigger size because I haven't gotten jeans in a while.
I don't like how things are going lately. I am miserable and need someone to just listen and try and calm me down, like Jordan would. But I don't have that person anymore.
I take criticism very well I think, the only time I cannot handle it is when I am being personally attacked, but even then I shake it off.
When someone tells me I'm stupid though I get very angry, do not doubt my intelligence.
but I don't want people reading my rant. because I want it to be a personal rant.
but everything on the internet is public. and some people are included in this rant that I don't want reading this.
Lately I feel myself slightly becoming depressed. I do not want to show it at all because my mom with think its signs of accutane or my friends will think I am self loathing. Its neither of those things, I just do not feel happy. Honestly, I am rarely ever happy. Even when I am having a good time with people dear to me, there is something eating at me in the back of my head still. I feel as though I have done a lot in my life, I am still missing out on everything. My high school experience has been wasted. I have never had a boyfriend, nor have I ever been kissed in my life. I go through friends like I go through clothes. The problem must be me though. My personality turns 99.9% of people off. I am a rude person and always have been. I swear and always will. I don't act like everyone else and never will. I am self conscious. I complain a lot. I say what I think. People don't like me for that, but people are intimidated by me, and I know they are because I have had many people tell me so before. I am scared to death that I will end up with no friends, that I will never find love in my life, and that I will live on my own with no communication with anyone but my family. I don't want to change myself and I don't want to lose people. I don't want to cry over self pity.
Now I sit at home bored out of my mind with my thumb up my ass.
Hello from Fort Lauderdale Florida!
Today has been a crazy long day, it is 9:32pm right now and I have been up since 5:30am.
Our flight wasn't until 10:30am but my dad wanted to make sure all of us had a good amount of time for security and such.
We sat in our terminal for a solid three hours before bording our flight, my lovely father went to carribou coffee and got me a cappiucino but it was so bitter and hot that barely drank it.
I found a McDonalds in the airport so I got food and grabbed a handfull of sugar packets for my bland coffee...barely worked but it is what it is.
We people watched (when I say we I mean my dad, marty, kris, brandon, nick, and myself) then boarded our plane...keep in mind that it has been snowing for a few hours.
We get on the plane and everything seems to be running smoothly, then the pilot goes on the intercom and says the wings have to be de-iced...yeah that took and hour.
Once we get in the air all you can hear are babies screaming and crying, and the guy behind me going shh shh shh shh (he did this the WHOLE time).
Our plane proceeds to hit some turbulance and bounce all over the place...not so bad, I love when my stomach drops.
I forgot to mention, to get from Detroit to Fort Lauderdale by plane its about 2 and a half hours.
The pilot goes onto the intercom again during the tubulance and says that Fort Lauderdale is on storm watch so the runways are closed until further notice...so we are flying aimlessly now.
After about 20 minutes the pilot goes on the intercom AGAIN and says that we were running low on fuel so we were going to land in West Palm Beach and refuel then go to Fort Lauderdale.
We land in west palm beach (after a rough landing) and a lot of passengers decide to get off there instead.
After we refuel and get more comfortable in the seats of the people the got off, we are slowly moving down the runway when it just starts to downpour and we have to wait for the okay to go.
After ANOTHER half an hour we leave for our 15 minute flight to Fort Lauderdale. We sat on that airplane for 6 and a half hours today.
THEN we get to our hotel, on the website it looked very decent and nice. In real life it is the biggest dump I have ever seen.
The paint is chipping, lights are burned out, 1 of the 2 keys don't work on the door, tv doesn't work, phone doesn't work, big gap between door and ceiling, writing on the wall, weird scent, air conditioning hanging off the wall...just a dump.
So my dad and I went to search for a new hotel for the rest of the week...we are out of here tomorrow yo!
I am watching the real world: D.C. with my pops now and its all about sex so its a tad awkward.
I wrote this yesterday when I didn't have internet connection last night on notepad